While in the conference in Denver Colorado one of the sessions I went to was about Stress and how to Handle Stress. One of the side notes he mentioned was how to NOT GIVE ADVICE to those that are struggling. This through me for a loop, cause I've always thought that when you CAN give someone advice you SHOULD so I can HELP them. BUUUTTTT this is bad!
The following are the notes I took:
DON’T GIVE ADVICE
• They won’t listen
• If it works they are now dependent on you
• If it doesn’t work they now blame you for their failure
• Instead> promote self-realization and self-promoted change> ask the right questions
I went through my notes the past few days and have been putting them into full thoughts.
I have always thought that advice was a very good thing and I always sought it from family and friends and try to give it also. BUT it makes total sense that it won’t benefit the student as much as them getting to that conclusion themselves. My dad was very good at turning the situation around so I was the one making the decision he wanted me to make, without making me make it. One example was when I was little and had a problem with fasting. I didn't understand why I couldn't eat! My little tummy was grumbly and not so happy. I whined and begged for a meager piece of bread, but my dad wouldn't give in. He wasn't going to let me eat a piece of bread! I cried and pouted. Then my dad said those guilt-tripping words, "you can do whatever you want to do..." He proceeded to explain the pros and cons and his view of the principle at hand. Then told me to decide and asked, "what would Jesus want you to do?" I didn't eat anything until dinner.
I think a valuable way to help the student without giving advice is asking the right questions, like my Dad. Have those I'm helping think out the pros and cons of the options and have them decide which is the option that would benefit them the most. This way it's their decision and they can rally in the triumph of a good decision, or they have to take responsibility of their mistaken decision and choose a better one. They grow and become a better person!
In the last handful of months I've learned how to ask questions. I've really noticed a difference in the way I'm thinking now. It really is powerful to choose for yourself. I like having a sounding board when talking to someone, rather than a counselor. A sounding board is a person that questions my motives, asks me if I even know what I'm talking about, and helps me see my own thoughts and the other options out there before I make a decision. A counselor will tell me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. Questions really are the better way to help someone help themselves, like my dad did for me.
3 comments:
Nice post. And I like your background--very cute and definitely you! Good thoughts on advice! I've met so many people that when you tell them how you're doing or what you're up to, give unsolicited advice on whatever you're saying. It's like--wait, I didn't ask for your advice, I'm just telling you what's going on. Did you learn anything about how to get people to stop giving advice?
kinda funny tho...since everyone comes to you for advice HAHAHA. aw but yeah you have to teach people to make their own decisions otherwise you're just their caretaker and they dont grow.
luv ya twin!
In the past couple of weeks, I've learned that there is no way in a thousand years to make someone stop or start something, in this case giving advice. What's interesting is turning it around on them. Asking them questions, and seeing if they even understand what they're saying. This takes the problem away from you and they are now giving advice to themselves. It's kinda humorous to watch, because they don't see it coming sometimes. hee hee. But over all they have to choose to be smart and let you grow instead of telling you have to live.
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